Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
