I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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