I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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