worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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