You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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