I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
