Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
