I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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