I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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