You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
