I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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