im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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