Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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