My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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