Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
