i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
