Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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