Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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