My sheets look like a crime scene.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
