I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
