Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
