I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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