Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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