goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
