we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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