Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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