franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
