What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
