By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
