you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
