Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
