somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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