Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
