On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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