well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
