every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Randomize
