It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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