just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
