in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
