I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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