I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
