he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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