nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
