This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
