How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
