he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just pee around me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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