i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
