Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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