and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
