Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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