my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
