I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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